Some Presents are Just No Good

Kirkland McCauley gave his wife an elephant for her birthday. It was not a present she liked or understood, and it made a mess on her carpets. In fact it was the elephant in the room, and this horror that separated them for the remaining three days of their marriage.

Kirkland bought his present on the Internet. These days it is very easy to be imaginative. Simply scroll through ebay or Google 'present' and the choice is, if not unlimited, at least very, very wide. It ranges from 'adopt a Hyena' to hot air balloon rides, having a star named after somebody to buying a glass cased piece of Wembley turf.

But being imaginative is not enough, as Mrs McCauley was quick to tell her husband of the moment. The miracle of having a mobile phone that meant he could access the Internet, and thereby arrange such transactions as buying an elephant while down the pub with his friends, did not compensate for the inconvenience. And anyway he always knew she never liked grey.

So choosing suitable christmas or birthday presents is an art form requiring a mixture of diplomacy, creativity, sensitivity, and inspiration.

The world wide web is a excellent aid as it opens up endless possibilities. But it is not the full picture.

'Unusual' is never enough. Being impractical is not enough, although it can help. After all, who likes a practical present - a new lawnmower, new knifes and forks on or iron?

'Frivolous' often helps, as does 'extravagance' - or at least the appearance of either or both.

Buying presents because you have always wanted one yourself is certainly not a good idea. What wife wants the almost complete set of Charlton Athletic football programmes, 1967 to 1983 - missing only the April 1971 Accrington Stanley game?

Picking something 'worthwhile' or that send a message is worse. Booking time at a fitness camp is rarely appreciated.

'So 'appropriate', possibly in a witty way, is the most important gift adjective - but appropriate to the receiver not the giver. The worst that can happen is that the present 'says more' about the giver's interests and prejudices than those of the receiver. The most that can be acheived is that the giver receives in return more appreciation of his or her thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

Meanwhile Kirkland went back to his job at the zoo a wiser man, and Mrs McCauley was remarried to a big game hunter who always brought her gift sets - and jewellery, and chocolates and only the occasional subscription to Rifles and Telescopic Sights magazine.